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Taking care of children can be draining, especially for sensitive or conflict avoidant individuals who don't enjoy, either intellectually or physically, the work required to train children.

Some of the happiest parents we know are parents who discipline their children - molding their children into individuals that are integrated into the rhythms of their family.

Without this discipline, family life with multiple kids becomes chaotic, and overwhelming. These parents are also cut off from society because they feel stressed taking their kids to a friend's house or even to the grocery store.

As a father of 9 children, I've learned a thing or two about parenting that can hopefully make your life easier.

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The broader culture can also make parents feel embarrassed or ashamed, or even to believe they are harming their children by disciplining them, even in the privacy of their own homes.

Some of the unhappiest, most frustrated, and exhausted parents we know are parents that are unwilling or too tired to discipline their children for one reason or another. Many of these parents lose hope and give up.

Proverbs 19:18 "Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death."

In raising my kids I've tried several parenting methods. Here's what I found works best.

Routine

Children need a strong routine to thrive. In our household, children go to bed at 9:30pm and wake up naturally at 8:30am. This works for us because it gives dad plenty of time with the kids after work, we can hang out with friends in the evenings, and because we home school they can sleep in.

We deliberately do not have elaborate bedtime routines. And we don't force them to bed early. We say prayers, sing a hymn or two as a family, brush teeth, kiss them goodnight, and off they go. If they cry we get them a glass of water, but otherwise they aren't allowed to leave the room.

You may need to adjust this schedule for your work or school routine.

Bad Behavior

When they misbehave, I try to notice if my child is hungry, tired, or thirsty, and fulfill these needs. Sometimes, children misbehave when they are coming down with a fever.

However, hunger, thirst, and tiredness is not a get out of jail free card. Even when children are hungry, thirsty, or tired, they must follow social norms of good behavior in our household. Although I show my compassion for the children in tehse circumstances, poor behavior warrants discipline, even when a child has a real need.

Stress is not a get out of jail free card for adults either. When I misbehave with my children, I always (try to) admit it, and apologize, so they know they are not following Mommy and Daddy's orders, but the truth.

Babies under 9 months old are too young to even know they are misbehaving so they are an exception to this, but we still train them with a firm but not too forceful, "No". Then we redirect the baby to another activity.

As kids get older our goal shifts from obedience to conversion - that they truly desire what is best for them.

Disciplining Children

Disciplining well is an art - the book series on "love & logic" shows how to be a loving, empathetic parent while teaching natural consequences to behaviors.

The essence of love and logic is minimizing yelling & power struggles with the child, by letting circumstances be the source of discipline instead of parental anger. This allows you to impart wisdom with empathy and strength, while fostering an atmosphere of helping the child instead of adversity.

Empathy allows the child to feel seen and heard, while natural consequences provide appropriate correction. Here are some examples that increase empathy for all involved, and affirms everyone's dignity:

• You really wanted to play with that toy, didn't you?
• How are you feeling right now?
• Look at your brother. Do you see how hurt he is?
• Look at your sweet mommy. She loves you. How could you be mean to her?

Here are some examples of natural consequences:

• When children complain, ask them to notice with 3 things they are grateful for. Then share the 1 in 5 rule - that God made the world so wonderful that, for every 5 reasonable wishes, one often comes true.
• When children complain about food, take the food away instead of yelling. Give the food back when they ask for it.
• If children love potty talk, give them what they want. Send them to sit and stare at the potty.
• If the child refuses to clean up, put whatever toys remain in a two week trash bin.
• If a child's reckless behavior breaks something of yours that is important, take away the child's favorite toys and make them do chores to earn the toy back.
• If a child is harsh, take away their pillow, or something soft and sweet, so they get to experience the world they want to live in.
• If the child is upsetting the household or being too noisy, send them outside.
• If they make a mess at the table, take their food and make them clean the mess to get the food back.
• When children use up the caretakers energy because of poor behavior, they must put "money back in the bank" - do a chore that gives back the caretaker the energy they lost.

Whenever a toy or pillow is taken away, make the child do a chore to get the toy back. The chore can be simple, as picking up 5 things in a room. Or, more complicated, as in "do the dishes" or "vacuum the kitchen."

To the child, the home is a microcosm of the whole world. As a parent, you want to be loving and forgiving, but also to ensure the household accurately reflects what reality is really like outside the home.

Consequences do not have to be severe, but they must be consistent to reform the appetite. Studies show that the consistency and certainty of punishment deters criminals more than severe punishment.

Getting Kids to Clean the House

In our experience, the person with the broom is the cleaning director. We sweep all toys, shoes, everything to the center of the room. Then each child is assigned a pile. Dinner is served to the child when the pile is clean.

Boys who get pee on the toilet seat are assigned to clean the entire bathroom.

Giving Kids Choices

To minimize their experience of parent-control, we find many opportunities to allow kids to exercise control - from choosing the book to read, to activities, to choosing a movie or ice-cream flavor, to choosing which pile they get to clean up, or chore, etc. Choices given are appropriate to age and maturity.

Choices give children the experience of controlling their life, while still providing an important structure and container for children to thrive.

Each Child is the Favorite

In our household of 9 children, I strive to make each child feel like they are the unique favorite in my life. I do this by special gifts, and enjoying each child uniquely. Some children receive more gifts. Others receive more time. Others I bond with emotionally, or artistically. I don't try to make everything equal, but unique and special.

Feeling uniquely and specially loved reduces competition between the children, and at the same time each child wants to preserve their special status.

The Minimum Parent Control

I try to establish, at a minimum, these rules with my young toddlers. The first is to sit down immediately when told. This command is essential to avoid many dangerous situations, such as running towards a busy street with cars.

The second important rule is coming when called.

We practice these commands frequently in the home, so they work without power struggles outside. Sometimes this involves many 'do-overs'.

Dealing with Defiance

Sometimes, children test the parent by refusing to listen altogether, creating a power struggle.

In a power struggle, the parent must figure out a way to win, and win without shouting. Shouting undermines parental authority and is generally ineffective. Sharp, quick, controlled speech, however, is effective.

The gold standard is first time listening. Some children will test parents simply by making them repeat everything twice, or even multiple times. When we have to repeat ourselves, we add a consedquence. That said, some children take more time to task switch than adults. So if they are engrossed in an activity, I will ask them to look at me first, so their attention is already shifted.

We've seen many examples of parents who give up in power struggles, and the result is that the household is led by the child. This leads to poor outcomes, as children are not yet fit to lead the family.

Such parents end up resenting their children, instead of enjoying them.

When a child is defiant, all activities must stop until the child is compliant. This can mean restraining the child, sending the child to their room, and/or progressively taking away favorite privileges, treats, or toys, or even their mattress and pillow.

Follow through is important. If you command a child to stop, you must follow through. Otherwise your words will lose their meaning.

In some cases, it is more "humane" and "less traumatic" to simply give a young child a spanking than a dogfight that lasts hours. Spanking is a quick punishment and then everyone can get back to normal life. But the effectiveness of spanking is limited. Generally, do not spank older children (after the age of 7).

Do not give punishments with anger. Instead give punishment with sorrow - remember it is the circumstance that warrants the punishment, not mommy's or daddy's wrath. "Oh that is so sad you now have to clean the room," is better than "Clean the room or I'm going to shout at you."

Training, Not Just Disciplining

Very often, children are told what "not to do" with very little instruction on what "to do".

Training is just as important as discipline, if not more so. When children are out of control, the natural consequence is training on how to behave.

"Do-overs" are really important in my household. If the children are not ready for school on time, they get to practice getting ready three times that afternoon, with coaching from Dad.

"Lady walking" or "Gentleman Walking" is a natural consequence to unruly behavior. In these, the child practices regaining a pleasant composure while walking. We often give our child three laps between the bedroom and the bathroom, about 25 feet away from each other. They must repeat the exercise until their footsteps are soft, and their gait natural.

As children are young and impressionable, always communicate a sensory rich image of good and bad behavior, so they feel the goodness or badness of their acts, and re-envision themselves as amazing. Example: Tell a hounding child, "Stop barking like a rabid dog. You are a golden prince, not a barking dog." Or a crying child, "Stop crying. You are melting into a puddle of tears like the witch from the Wizard of Oz. Smile, like a joyful rainbow instead, and show your radiance."

When attitudes degenerate, the children also practice saying "Yes, Mommy","Yes, Daddy," or "Yes, Grandpa, I would be happy to." at least 3 times.

Children have to calm down before they can rejoin the society of the family. If they are being aggressive or combative, we send them outside until they calm down with a command in French, "Les sauvages vont dehors!" (Savages go outside!).

If the child is crying or otherwise simply upset, we send them to their bedroom for self soothing. These techniques not only teach the child that they must behave to belong, but also divides and conquers an unruly group of children, so the atmosphere of the home returns to a calm state. This approach generally works to calm down a chaotic kid scene.

Before returning to the group, I ask the child to explain and prove they understand why there were disciplined.

The Kid's Diet

Children eat the same foods as parents in our household. In fact, when teaching our children to eat we start all of our babies on blue cheese. Then we progressively move to tastier foods. So, our children automatically eat everything on the household menu with minimal fuss.

We follow the one "out of 3 rule, once a week." This means that a child can reject one out 3 items on their plate once a week. If a child specifically rejects a particular food, it could be innate health wisdom and we allow it. If the rejection extends to many foods, we may discipline the child. We rarely allow substitutes, however. You get what you get.

Conflict Avoidance

Conflict avoidance can be a healthy instinct among adults. However, conflict avoidance has made many a parent miserable as their home life degenerates into constant power struggles with the child usually having the upper hand.

In these circumstances, let love for your children drive your desire for their growth. They will find a fight with mommy is a much more loving than a fight in the outside world.

Regular Chores

A Harvard study showed the single greatest predictor of success in life is chores as a child. Regular, routine chores make a child a proud participant in the family, encourage confidence, discipline, generosity, and sacrifice, and teach a child important domestic skills.

In our household, children also get chores when they disrupt the household. Defiance frequently earns them a time-out cleaning the entire bathroom.

By the time they are 5, our children are practicing how to make breakfast for themselves - a piece of toast, for example. By 7 they are frying eggs, chopping vegetables and making rice. Our 9 year old is capable of cooking an entire dinner.

By 5 our children are unloading the dishwasher. By 7 they are able to rinse the dishes and load the dishwasher. By 5 they are able to clean the whole bathroom.

By 4 they are able to find matching socks in the laundry pile. By 7 to fold pants and shirts, and to sort the laundry pile. By 11 they are able to mow the lawn. By 13 to do the weedwacking.

Each child is given another child as first inspector who determines whether their job was done well, reducing parental policing.

I find vaccuming and sweeping is the one job best left to the parent, who by vacuuming gets to supervise the entire operation of cleaning.

When children complain about cleaning, we repeat the motto, "Always living, always cleaning." Even though cleaning is a part of how we live, we don't aim for spotless, and we're not trying to impress visitors, but to help them feel comfortable.

Does it Work?

Parenting is a "practice" not a math equation.

Across our children, we've tried many techniques that work and many that do not.

None of the techniques work every time. But over time we've seen results from the above methods.

Believe in your child and your teaching, and the fruits of your labor will come. It will take years, not weeks or months, but the results are worth it and will improve bonding with your child

Parenting is marathon, not a sprint. Let your love for your child, and a vision of their excellence, motivate you to keep the faith.

Let your love be the long term endurance you'll need to face each day excited to help them perform better.

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DISCLAIMER: The pathogenesis of each person's condition is unique, and so the diet must be fit to the individual and the unique root causes of the condition in your body. The information on this page is for educational purposes only and should not be used to treat a medical condition. It is not a substitute for medical care. Please check with your doctor before making any changes to your health and wellness routine.

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CHILDCARE DRAINING IS IN STAGE OF DISEASE 0 - POTENTIAL CAUSE

Potential causes increase and disturb your imbalanced doshas and biocharacteristics, causing them to accumulate and spiral out of control. For example, if you're overheated and eat a chili pepper, heat may become excessive and cause disease. As a dosha or biocharacteristic accumulates in your body according to your dietary and lifestyle habits, it is more and more likely to cause disease. You can reduce an imbalanced dosha or biocharacteristic in two ways, by removing, or lessening the frequency of aggravating causes from your diet and lifestyle, as well as by favoring balancing diet and lifestyle practices. For example, try eating something as cool as a cucumber when you're overheated, instead of a chili pepper. (See all disease stages on JB)

GET MY FREE AYURVEDA BODY MAP 'Childcare draining' is likely to aggravate the following doshas and biocharacteristics. If you have a systemic imbalance of one of these doshas or biocharacteristics, Ayurveda would generally recommend removing, substitute or lessen the frequency of 'Childcare draining'.

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The following symptoms & habits may be related to 'Childcare draining'. See your quiz results for a computerized assessment of your body type. Please click on the symptoms below to learn more about them. On average the biocharacteristics of people reporting Childcare draining were less aggravated than 79% of other symptoms. From the 5,700 people who reported Childcare draining average deviation in biocharacteristic levels were the following:

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